4 Things That Are Important To Know When Setting Boundaries
Every relationship has different boundaries.
The boundaries you set with a friend will look different than the boundaries you set with a family member. Which will look different than the boundaries set with another family member. Which will look different from the boundaries you set with your partner, children, coworker, etc.. Not one relationship you have will have all of the same circumstances, past experiences, shared opinions, etc. as another. So of course boundaries are going to look different for every person in your life. Some may look very similar, but I would say it’s pretty rare for everyone’s to be the same.
Boundaries can be changed depending on circumstances.
Just because you allowed someone to speak to you a certain way in the past, does not mean you have to allow them to keep speaking to you that way. I learned this one in therapy. When I started therapy I was a HUGE people pleaser. Don’t get me wrong, I still am today. However, I used to want to please everyone so much that it left me debilitated. I was living my life based on the way I thought others wanted me to live it. I made decisions based off of what I thought someone else would think. I thought I was stuck there forever and the concept of not having to worry about what others thought of me seemed impossible.
After five years of therapy, I am at a point in my life where I live my life based off of my desires and values for the most part. I do not accept people shaming or guilting me for the decisions I make that are best for my family and I. Doing this is not something that is easy and comfortable all the time. In fact, having to change boundaries with someone is uncomfortable for both parties involved. However, the reward is so worth it in the end. The end being healthy boundaries.
You are in charge of setting your own boundaries with people.
You cannot expect someone to know what boundaries you need with them. Which is why sometimes you need to be very direct with what your boundaries are. For the most part, I would say boundaries are unspoken. It’s when things start to get toxic for you is when you need to directly say them. Which again can feel very uncomfortable and often times you don’t even know how to start that conversation. However, that conversation can save a relationship and also save your mental, emotional, or physical health from tanking. Here are some ways you can state your boundaries to someone…
I feel very ________ when you talk about _________ with me. For my mental health, I can no longer talk about this with you. I need some space from you to help with my mental health. I will reach out once I’m in a better place.
I do not like when you touch my _________. I would like to set that physical boundary with you.