Days Of Struggle
If I come across as someone who has my mental health under control all the time then I'm sorry. Because I don't. You wanna know where I'm writing this right now?
I'm currently laying on my bathroom floor with the shower running. I am laying on my dogs bed while using towels and my robe for blankets. This is where I spent my days before my hospitalization. This place makes me feel safe. Not really sure why.
I just got home from work and no one else is home. My husband is at work. My dog is at doggy daycare. I forgot to pick her up today. All I wanted after work was the bathroom floor.
Weird sentence I know...
I'm writing this to not only distract my mind from my negative thoughts, but also to let you know about the ugly. Since last night I have been having anxious thoughts... not anxiety attacks.. just thoughts. These thoughts then led to depressing thoughts.
Last night I decided to text some friends to calm myself down and distract myself. It worked. However, here I am almost 24 hours later laying on the bathroom floor.
I'm probably here because I pushed those thoughts away instead of letting them come and go. So, here I am trying to ride the waves of my thoughts. I'm letting them come in, acknowledging them, letting them go, and then waiting for the next thought to crawl in.
It's a cycle of chaos that probably makes me sound crazy, but this is the unedited version of my worst days. This is more depression hitting me than anxiety. Depression and anxiety are both exhausting in their own ways.
Depression leaves me with puffy eyes, a groggy body, and low self esteem. It leaves me feeling ugly and alone. It makes me feel unworthy of living. It makes me feel like a shitty person. It leaves me magnifying my biggest flaws.
This post is clearly not to show you my strength of overcoming mental illnesses. It's here for those of you who struggle and follow my blog. Know you are not alone on your worst days. Know that I struggle too.
I wrote this blog yesterday, so no I am not currently laying on the floor right now. I have recovered from that. This post isn't a cry out for help; it's to show you how I struggle too now and then and it's okay. No need to text me, "Are you okay??" What people need on their worst days is love and support; not to be questioned or having to explain themselves.
Today I am stronger than yesterday. I'm still feeling a little off, but when I get home I'm planning to play catch outside with my husband. This will be my way of letting all the energy out. Find something that allows you to do the same thing softball allows me to do. Of course I can't play for long because of my bum arm, but softball will always be one of my escape routes. Find yours!