Does Anyone Else Have A Complicated Relationship Like This?!
Ever have that one person who you really don't want to see? Does the anticipation of seeing them make you feel sick all day? Do certain parts of town make you think of them? However, does this person also bring many benefits to your life?
For every time I have had with this person, I have gotten some level of anxiety before going to see them. If you haven't caught on yet, I'm talking about my therapist! I guess thinking about having to talk about my 'problems' freaks me out... I mean does anyone enjoy talking about their flaws?? Most of the time I try to think of a reasonable excuse to tell her why I have to cancel. However, I can never come up with a good one to go to her with! There was even a session where I walked in having no voice, but I still felt like that wasn't a good enough excuse to use.
I even tell my therapist, "I really did not want to come here today" when I'm feeling that way. You may be wondering if my therapist is the worst or if I hate therapy.
The answer is NO! I have a love/hate relationship with therapy. I think that's true for most people. I also LOVE my therapist. She knows me better than myself. It's kind of annoying how she knows what I'm thinking and why I'm thinking that way. She makes me feel accepted and understood, but she also challenges me. She is my sounding board for everything in my life. By the end of all my sessions, I wish I didn't have to leave! So why the heck do I feel anxious having to spend time with her?? It's complicated... Does anyone else experience this?
I guess I'm writing this post because I want you to know that I am still anxious about therapy. And that's okay! In fact, if therapy wasn't pushing me out of my comfort zone then I would be reevaluating my therapist or the type of therapy I'm in.
Therapy is such a complex process and everyone's experience is different. What I do have to say about therapy is that it's okay to feel anxious before you go. Whether it's your first time going or your 100th time going. In my opinion, that anxiety is a good indicator of positive change coming soon.
However, if you feel like you just aren't clicking with your therapist then don't be scared to tell your therapist that. Not every therapist is for you! It took me 3 times to find the perfect therapist for me. At first I thought I was the problem until I found the one for me. It's not that my previous therapists were the problem; it's just that we weren't the right match. You'll know when you find yours. When I found mine, I felt a sense of safety, understanding, and felt cared for. I hope you find someone who gives you a similar feeling!
P.s. I started writing this post a few hours before one of my sessions while I was trying to come up with an excuse to cancel... obviously I didn't come up with a good one.