Putting My Walls Up
If you know me, think back on the first time we met. Chances are I didn't say much and I came across as shy. Because I am shy. At least at first. I can honestly say that it takes a long time for me to open up to anyone. However, once I feel like I can trust you and give you my true self then I am not so shy. I promise. Ask my friends and family... I'm sure they wish I talked less sometimes!
This is all a mixture between my personality, but also probably my anxiety as well. At first I am more reserved just because I'm afraid that you may not like who I really am. I also want to make sure that you are the type of person I want to surround myself with. I'm not one to have a large group of friends. Nor do I try to pretend that I have a large group of friends. I also don't brag about having so many friends from so many different places.
I choose my friends wisely. For many reasons really. The main reason is because I like to surround myself with people who have the same values as me. I'm not opposed to people with different values, but I find it easiest to do life with people who value similar things. On the other hand, I choose my friends wisely because I am afraid of being hurt. I'm sure anyone can relate to this feeling, whether you have anxiety or not.
With this being said, it is very easy for me to put all my walls right back up the moment I feel you are being disrespectful, dishonest, or non-appreciative. Not just of me, but of my loved ones. It takes a very long time for me to let you in, but it does not take long for me to cut you out. If I do cut you out, it happens immediately. I'm not saying I'm not a forgiving person; I'm just not a forgiving person at first. It takes time... and a lot of it.
This is probably one of those things where it's one of my biggest weaknesses, but also one of my biggest strengths. It's a weakness because I could possibly lose that person forever if they aren't as patient. However, a strength because if they can't wait for me to let my walls back down then they didn't even deserve to have them down in the first place. Yeah this may seem extreme, but that's just how my emotions work most of the time.
I'm very aware of how my walls operate and when my walls go back up it is sometimes very painful for me, but also sometimes gives me a sense of relief. Depends on the situation. And the person. I have recently learned about myself that shutting out the negative people in my life is therapeutic. I don't mean to sound rude when I say that, but it truly is! Instead of spending so much time on negative people and negative vibes; you can be spending your time with people who are trying to build you up while you are trying to build them up!
I guess what I am trying to say is spend your time with people who make you feel loved and important. Not people who are just using you as another name to add to their friends list. Because chances are those are the people who will hurt you or take advantage of you. At least in my experiences that has been the case! These people also tend to be the people who aren't appreciative of the little things you do for them. They also may try to make you feel bad because of their own insecurities.
Take a moment and write down people who make you have a negative feeling. Reevaluate those people who make you feel worse about yourself or who are trying to pull you or others down. Try spending less time and energy on them, if you can. Then take a moment and write down the people who make you feel good and who you want to spend time with. Schedule more time with these people.
I hope you find this as therapeutic as I have. However, if this doesn't work for you or make sense to you then find other ways! Not every one of my blog posts relates to everyone and that's okay because everyone is different. There's nothing wrong with that!